I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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