I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
