: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
