He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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