So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
