not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
