my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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