I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
A bitchslap is in order.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
