Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
