I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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