we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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