so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
