So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
