i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
