I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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