So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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