Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
