please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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