your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
