You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
