I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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