Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
