I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
