i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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