look no pants
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
