my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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