That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
