I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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