Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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