And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
