im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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