right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
