Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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