just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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