I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
