you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
