LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
