i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
