I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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