If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
