i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
