look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
