I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize
