Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
