You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
