Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
