I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
