if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
