I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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