Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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