Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
