If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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