Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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