hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My cat gives me a boner
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
