I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
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Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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