It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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